December in September

Drove up to Holland, MI for a quick stand-up show on Saturday/Sunday. It was at the Beechwood Church in Holland, and I was the opening act for southern-fried Christian rockers DecmeberRadio.

First off, DecemberRadio was fantastic. I had to take off early for the seven hour drive back to Pella, but I heard them warm up, and I heard the first few songs of the concert, and needless to say I was very intrigued. The only way I can really describe them is say they sound like a Christian version of someone like Lynard Skynard. They've got a sound that's greatly lacking in Christian music, and they're extremely talented. I got to snag one of their CD's on the way out - a collection of praise songs - and I'm giving it a listen as I type this. Very enjoyable. Check them out.

The show was outside on the lawn of the Beechwood Church. And, although I was breaking one of the cardinal rules of stand-up (never perform outside), the show went pretty well. The crowd was smaller than expected. It was a BEAUTIFUL night in Michigan, the Lions were playing, and there was another Christian concert not to far down the road, so not as many folks showed up they might have hoped, but it was still pretty good. And those that did show up still got a great rock concert, so it was definately worth it.

The stand-up went as well as could be expected for an outdoor event. The breeze was a little strong, the crowd was pretty far back from the stage, and they were pretty spread out. All of which is pretty on par for stand-up at an outdoor event. All that being said, there were some laughs to be had, and the staff of Beechwood smiled big, shook my hand, and had very kind words for my departure (which is always a good thing for a comedian).

All of which brings up an interesting topic I've been meaning to write on: The Top Five Unspoken Rules of Performing Stand-Up. "The rules", as I'll call them, were not developed by me, but by comedians that came before me long ago and far away, and have been passed down through the generations of willing saps who think they can tell a joke on stage. The concept is very simple. If you want to have a good stand-up show, try to stick to the following five things. (Listed in no particular order.)

1. Don't perform outside. Supposedly, small, dark, cool places are more conducive to comedy, and, for the most part, I'd have to agree. The closer the quarters, the more laughter seems to be contagious. Plus, being indoors, there are far less distractions for the audience. They're forced to focus forward onto the performer. While outdoor venues, on the other hand, are supposedly more ideal for music. You can spread out, get comfortable, and have a lot more choice about how loud you want the volume to be since you can choose how close you sit to the stage.

Is it true? Actually, for the most part, I find that it tends to be. I've only performed stand-up outdoors a few times, and the best I could ever say it went was "pretty good". There's just someting about being outdoors that seems odd for comedy. I got to see a couple of my favorite Christian comedians, Jay Laffoon and Taylor Mason, perform at the RISE Above music festival in Orange City, IA earlier this summer. They both were hilarious, of course, but even they weren't quite as effective outdoors.

2. No proms. I've blogged about this one before. The only entertainment that seems to work at proms is something that's interactive - hypnotists, magicians, karoake type stuff. The general rule of thumb is that the students are too tired, and more than likely have something other than comedy on their minds. It can often be a heckling nightmare.

For the most part, I turn all proms down now. Out of the handfull I've done, I've only ever had one successful one. They're brutal. I had one once where I was supposed to perform for an hour between the dinner and the dance. Well, twenty minutes in, no one was laughing, and I mean no one! I wrapped up and walked off. Turns out, as I was later told, the kids didn't want a comedian. So they decided that if they just refused to laugh, I'd quit earlier. They were right. One of the worst performance nights of my life.

3. Don't perform for crowds less than 50. The smaller the crowd, the less contagious the laughter. I'll give a message, read poetry, or peform improv for a crowd of 10 on any night, but stand-up needs more people. The smaller the crowd, the more self concious they get. Are the other 20 people laughing? I don't want to laugh real hard if they're not laughing! The larger the crowd, the easier it is for them to let go. I've found this rule of thumb to be right most of the time, and I always feel way more confident when the crowd is 100+.

4. Don't peform Before 1 PM. I think the actual rule is like 6 PM, but I don't mind lowering it a bit since I do a lot of camps, retreats, and the like. I think the thought here is that most people's brains aren't firing as quickly before noon, and I'd generally have to agree. There's nothing scarier than having to do a 9 AM show for a droopy-eyed group that looks like they'd rather be in bed. People are just way more serious before noon.

5. Don't peform just because it pays. This can be a hard rule to follow, especially when the rent's due. But some people just don't know when it's appropriate to hire a comedian. I don't turn down a lot of shows, in fact, I take a few every year that I probably shouldn't, but sometimes you just have to say "No, thank you."

I was once asked to do an hour of comedy in what I was told was going to be a retirement home. Well, I got there, and it wasn't a retirement home as much as it was a long term care facility for people who were dying. I'm pretty sure very few of the people were really coherent enough to know what was going on. There was some crying and yelling during a lot of it. Nurses were constantly coming in to help patients. And they wanted me for an hour???? At the twenty minute mark, I thanked them and walked off. While I understand that these folks need entertainment, I don't think that a 20-something youth director telling puke stories is quite appropriate.

I've had to say no to a lot of things - girl scout conventions, elementary school classes, library Christmas parties - but sometimes you have to tell the prospective employers that a comedian may not be in their best interest. It's hard, especially when the they're offering a nice check, but some shows just aren't worth the mental punishment on you or the audience.

Do I follow "the rules"? Eh, sometimes. I break them more often than most people I know. I tend to be an optimist when accepting shows, and take most everything. I've tried to diversify what I do enough that I can satisfy most crowds with enough preperation so that I can tell people, "Well, I don't know about stand-up, but I've got some pretty funny poems and stories I could read." For the most part, I've found them all to be fairly grounded in some pretty good truths, though.

This weekend I travel up Inwood, IA for a big youth rally with the Sioux Falls Crew I love so much. I'm giving a spiritual message, which I'm excited about after a rocky month or two of stand-up shows.

Andrea says she's got some great pics from Mark Elgersma's wedding from last week that I'm gonna try to blog soon.

Till next time,

Jason