Late Night Musings

I found myself driving over night again on Friday, as I often do when I travel to speak, and decided that there are just some things I've grown to expect while driving late at night. Some events just seem to reoccur every time I travel between the hours of midnight and six a.m.

For instance:

1. More nighttime truckers than not choose to travel with the confederate flag emblazoned somewhere on their clothes. I'm not certain on why it's more nighttime truckers than daytime truckers, but during most late night gas station visits, I'm fairly sure the south may rise again.

2. I've never stopped at a rest stop between the hours of midnight and six without seeing at least one biker. Now, granted, the exception to this is during severe winter conditions, but I've even seen a few diehard Harley riders during some rough snow storms.

3. To be a gas station attendant during the graveyard shift requires one to be short some type of body part. Now most of the time, it's just a tooth or two. But I've seen missing hands, arms, legs, eyes, and even one young guy I see on occasion who has no nose! I'm completely serious. I know what you're thinking - "If he doesn't have a nose, how does he smell?" Just awful.

4. If the skies are clear, I will see at least one falling star. What do I wish for? More wishes of course.

5. Coast to Coast AM is the best way to stay awake. There's nothing like staying awake because you've become paranoid that there are aliens or black ops government officials that patrol the highways during early morning hours.

6. As good as Krispy Kreme doughnuts are, they're even better when you can get them delivered fresh at 4 AM as you pass through the right gas station.

7. While driving past the casinos where I-80 meets I-29, I've discovered that they apparently don't suffer from "slow hours". Those places are always hopping.

8. Small children are up way too late. I see at least one or two cars every trip when I stop at a gas station or rest area where they have several elementary aged children awake and running around with enough energy to make you think they'd say it was noon.

I'm thinking this list would seem more complete if it ended at 10, but alas, it's time for me to move on in my day.

till next time,
Jason

No blog for you!

Yeah, I'm desperately behind in my blogging, but unfortunately in the next ten minutes I have to devote to it this week, you're not going to get very much.

I head off for Orange City, IA in a few hours to do a Wednesday-Friday Spiritual Renewal Week for the Unity Christian High School there with Troy and Dawn. This immediately follows the Renewal Week I did last week here at Pella Christian High School with Troy, Dawn and Mark.

We had a great time last week. It was fun just to have those three at my apartment here in Pella for a change, rather than them always hosting me in Sioux Falls. We laughed, ate a ton, had great talks, and I got the chance to scare the beejeebus out of Troy late one night with one of my new Mexican wrestling masks (the one Nathan got me in LA). So it was a good time.

I should elaborate more, but I wouldn't even know where to start. We led chapels every morning, and then did a big praise and worship service on Wednesday night. We got to visit classes all week (and many prayers go out to God that He never calls me to be a full time teacher - those long days in the classroom wear me out!) and sit in the guidance office to talk to a lot of cool kids. I met some great students with a lot of heartache and a lot of promising futures.

We ate out on Thursday night at El Charro, and, as usual on our ministry trips, Troy promptly grabbed a waiter and told him we had a birthday at our table. Troy does this almost every trip, whether there's a birthday or not. He just thinks it's fun to see the wait staff come out with treats, a song, and a silly hat for the innocent bystander. Usually he picks on the new guy or gal in the group and makes it a surprise - this time he just pointed at me. So I got to wear a sombrero (and Troy got a much smaller one!) and we got some kind of flaky, whip creamy dessert with chocolate. No complaints from me.

Will I update next week after Orange city? More than likely. I'll be filling in for our church secretary Cindy while she's on vacation, so I'll be in front of a computer - no excuses this time.

A big shout out to Dustin who's still enjoying his time in Holland. Make sure you check out his blog on the right. He's living the high life right now, and having a blast. He msn'ed me yesterday and said they're taking a trip to the beaches of Normandy this weekend, and I'm very jealous!

Till next time,

Jason

A little behind. . .

Okay, so more than a few people have said, "When are you going to update your blog already?" As I've said, I try to update after every speaking engagement, and unfortunately I've fallen about three events behind.

So to play catch up a bit - last Monday I went across the street to the First Reformed Church to perform for the "Keen-agers". (Think: Senior Citizen Youth Group)

I've performed for them before, usually crazy stories and songs, and I've always had a great time. Plus, they have always offered me one of my favorite forms of payment - Jaarsma Bakery baked goods.

Well this past Monday was no exception to my string of fun engagements for the group. Plus, I got a little daring and added some four-tenor banjo to mix.

As most of you know, I inherited my four-string from my Grandpa Kain after he passed and it looks much like the one above, yet much older. I've plucked for several years now, and even written a few goofy songs.

One of those goofy songs got me in a bit of hot water, as you regular blog readers may remember, when I sang it at farmer's gathering in Southern Iowa and had a few lines about how bad pigs smelled. Well, I sang the same song for the Keen-agers, and it went great. They loved it, and a few of them admitted to being hog farmers and agreed that hogs do indeed smell. So I guess I have a little vindication there.

I'll be updating more in the next few days to try and catch up with what's been going on. I speak next week at the Pella Christian High School Spiritual Renewal Week, and the week after that I'm in Orange City, IA for their Renewal Week. Both are crowds I really enjoy, and so for all of you blog desperate complainers (or maybe you just like to complain in general) the next few weeks should be a goldmine for you. That is, if you enjoy reading about semi-pro, banjo playing, Christian/Comedian speaker from Podunk Nowhere, Iowa.

Till next time,

Jason

Meetings are a drag . . .

I don't care what the meeting's for, I don't want to be there. It could be a meeting to make sure that I get a free ice cream cone everyday for the rest of my life, and I still wouldn't want to be there.

Meetings happen when a group of people get together who all have differing opinions - which invariably means that at least one person in the group will think I'm an idiot. So my solution is to sit quietly and pretend I don't exist. I like to daydream about things - and not just any old thing, I have very specific meeting daydreams.

The first one is great scenes from movies. 99% of the time, it'll be the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones is holding the rocket launcher on the Nazis as they round the bend in the canyon holding the ark and Indy yells, "I'm gonna blow it up Rene!"

I've had that daydream since sitting through boring high school classes, and it always makes me immediately yearn to run home and watch the movie. Yet, by the time I get home, the yearning has faded, and I end up watching cartoons.

The other daydream, and the one that currently holds realm in most of my meetings, is remembering great pro wrestling matches that I've seen. Most often, it's the Bret Hart - Steve Austin match from Wrestlmania 13, a true mat classic.

Otherwise it'll be just about anything Ric Flair's been in.

And yet, no matter how quiet and invisible I attempt to be, someone always says, "Jason, you've been so quiet. What do you think?" And then I open my big, dumb gob, and end up regretting it for the rest of my life.

I've got to figure out a way to get out of more meetings . . .

Making your own fun . . .

I've spent a lot of time on the road over the last five years cramped up with a lot of other people. Besides just speaking, and stand-up, I performed on the Northwestern College summer drama ministry team for two summers, driving around the country in a 15 passenger van for up to 8 or 10 hours a day. I've driven hours upon hours with the Sioux Falls crew, and spent many a night on an air mattress-crowded floor with seven or eight other people. After a while, monotony of travel, lack of sleep, and close quarters on bad beds can make you go a little nutty and get a little tense. I've always taken it upon myself on trips to loosen things up a bit. My main choice of action is the practical joke or dare. So I figured I'd take a moment or two and share some of my favorites from over the last several years - at least the ones that are fit to print.

The Dare / Exploding Cigarette
On one of the drama ministry tours, right in the middle of an extremely long van ride, our group stopped to eat at a McDonald's in the middle of Podunk, Nowhere. I was eating at a table with my wife Andrea, and a good friend Tonya (now Tonya Folkerts).

Dares are always really big with me on gruelling trips. I like to challenge people to crazy things for either small amounts of money, or I'll guarantee them I'll do something even crazier than the challenge I pose. I never plan on winning the bets. Part of the fun is finding a challenge that's crazy, but just easy enough for the participant to accept. Then, not only do they do something crazy, but they get to watch me do something a little nutty too. It can liven the whole group up.

So we're sitting there, and we look out the window, and there are these two teenage girls who can't be more than 14 apiece, sitting outside at a table, smoking cigarettes. After a lengthy conversation over hamburgers about how unappealing these two girls are, I dare Tonya to go outside and bum a cigarette from them. I tell her I'll give her two bucks.

Tonya quickly agrees, but I tell her that's not all. There's a large, round (about a foot in diameter) rubber adverstisment on our table (sticky on one side, with a picture on the other) advertising the new McDonald's milkshake. I tell Tonya she has to peel the ad off the table and wear it on her stomach. She does. We watch. The girls give her a wide-eyed surprised look. And Tonya gets a cigarette.

So now we're in the van, I give Tonya her two bucks, and she says, "Well, I guess I'll throw it away, I don't smoke." That's when the great idea hits. Someone has brought along on the trip these things called "Cigarette Loads". They're basically these little white firecrackers you can hide in the end of cigarettes to make them explode after the person's lit them and puffed. We have several smokers on the trip, and we've been waiting for an opportunity to slip them one, but we can never get our hands on their cigarettes.

So Tonya loads it up, walks over to a smoker on our team named Solomon, explains the teenage girl dare, tells him it was funny but she doesn't smoke, and offers him the cigarette. He kindly accepts and we watch as he walks off a bit from the van and lights up.

Now, these loads are pretty small, so we're not expecting much - maybe a small *pop*. Well, about five seconds into the smoke - BANG - like a black cat going off. Sol drops the cigarette and just backs up like he's been shot. We were laughing so hard from the van and feeling so content at such a string of great jokes.

Frozen Toilet
Another drama ministry trip - we're in Traverse City Michigan over a spring break. The drama team is rehearsing a play on the main stage, and I'm sitting in the empty auditorium watching because I'm not on the trip for drama, just stand-up. So I'm sitting there, bored out of my mind, and sitting next to me is the theater director's son, Joseph.

I lean over to Joseph and ask him if he wants in on something good. He does. I lead him back to our two suites that we're staying in (the guys in one, the girls in the other) and we walk out to the patios. Luckily, we find the girls' patio door open, so we let ourselves in. I tell Joseph to find a bucket of some kind, and he comes back from the kitchen with a big plastic bowl. Michigan is in the middle of this huge snow storm, so we make trips back and forth outside collecting snow - which we then kindly deposit in the girls' toilet until it finally tops off. We pack it down hard, put the bowl back, let ourselves back out the patio door, and head back to the auditorium.

Later in the afternoon when we're all back in our rooms watching TV, we hear a scream from the girls' side. We all rush over and find one of the girls, Crystal, standing in the kitchen in a very panicked state. "What's wrong?" everyone asks. Crystal tells us that when she sat down on the toilet a second ago, something "bit me!"

Well, it was just the snow (now ice) giving her a little frost nip, and the greatest part was, that even though Joseph and I were the only two people on the tour who could have slipped away from the rest of the group, the girls are blaming the other guys in the group. Perfect.

Underwear Ninjas
I ran out of underwear during the middle of the week three years ago at the SERVE project in Sioux Falls, SD. I had come to SERVE in the middle of a summer drama tour, and hadn't had time to do laundry. It was Thursday, we were all tired as all get out, and I decided that instead of tracking down a laundry machine, I'd just buy more underwear.

We head to Walmart, and I grab a pack of boxer briefs. (Which was pretty fun in itself because I'd forgotten what my size is, so Mark Elgersma actually checked the pair I was wearing, while I was wearing it, in the middle of Walmart.)

We get back to the van, me and Mark in the back seat, and Troy Kooima and Dawn Ryswyk in the front seats. Now, I've figured out this little trick that only works with boxer briefs. If you put your head through the waist and one leg so that you're wearing it like a turtle neck with the leg pulled up over your nose, and then take the other leg and bring it down over the top of your head leaving only your eyes open - you look like a ninja.

We (Mark and I) decide we all need to be underwear ninjas, so we hand a pair around to everyone. Dawn quickly removes hers though after Mark and I ponder about whether or not it was the pair I tried on in the store.

Now we're all driving along on our merry way, making up great underwear ninja names for ourselves (Skid-Mark, Blue Flame) when we pull up to a stop light and Dawn points out to Troy (who's driving) that there's a cop on our left.

Troy freaks, because he's a guy who never wears a seatbelt, so he goes, "Oh, crap!" and starts struggling to get his belt on before the cop looks over. Right when Troy snaps it into place, the cop looks, the light turns green, and we take off. Troy lets out a big "Whew!" And Dawn says, "Yeah, I'm really sure he was noticing your seatbelt when you and two other guys in the car ARE WEARING UNDERWEAR ON YOUR HEAD!"

He didn't pull us over, so it must not have been the wierdest thing he'd ever seen.

Till next time,

Jason

The Shortest Distance Between Two Points is Sioux Falls

So I attended and spoke for the Youth Unlimited Summit Conference at Camp Geneva in Michigan this past weekend. It's a conference set up for all the different groups around the world that will be hosting SERVE projects for the coming year. I'm the speaker for the Sioux Falls SERVE site, and last year I had the crew pick me up in Newton, IA on their way out to Holland, MI.

This year, though, I drove the extra five hours of the trip up to Sioux Falls in order to be able to spend an extra day when we got back for a going away party for good friend Dustin Vander Haar as he's headed for the Netherlands tomorrow for four months.

It was a fantastic trip. Too tough to go into detail on everything, so I'm just going to give some highlights of the trip. As I've said before, and I'll say again, the Sioux Falls crew is by far the greatest group of people I've ever had the chance to minstry with. It's non stop fun and laughs the whole time.

"In the bathroom." That was answer you would recieve 99% of the time if you asked the question, "Hey, where's Dustin?" Dustin had a severe cold / stomach flu, so he spent most of time expelling things from his body in the cabin bathroom. It got so bad that Danny Fergen and I ran into town to get him some extra soft toilet paper, extra strength Immodium, and moist towelettes. You can probably imagine how manly we felt walking through the checkout line with those items together. The highlight came on Sunday though, when after finally feeling better, Dustin walked into the bathroom while I was in there, and loudly asked, "Whew! Did you do that?" Well, unbeknownst to Dustin, there was a guy in the stall next to me who quietly answered back, "That was me . . ." We all thought Dustin had a lot of nerve to take offense to someone else after the weekend he'd just gone through.

Roommates So the Youth Unlimited people always mix our crew in with strangers in the cabins. This is not always a good idea due to the fact that we tend to sleep very little, and make a lot of noise at night. Last year, at about 2:30 AM Dan Tenapel and Mark Elgersma came back to the cabin after defeating some Canadians at ping pong and did a victory dance or two in their underwear. This year, Mark laid under / next to my bed in the pitch dark, in his underwear for an unbelievably long time just to try and scare me when I came back from the chapel on Saturday night. After waiting five or ten minutes after I'd laid down, he reached up and smacked me. Unfortunately, rather than being scared, I thought Dustin had fallen out of the bunk above me since he was so sick. Add on top of that the fact that several of us snore, talk in our sleep, or toss and turn, Mark has an interesting nude shower dance, and Dustin stunk up the bathroom for the whole weekend, and you can get a pretty good clue as to who you shouldn't room with if you come to Summit.

"If you're too tired to drive . . . " Another phrase often heard this weekend. You see, when you get all of us together in one van, the driver often feels left out since they have to concentrate on something other than the uproarious laughter coming from the back. In an effort to be included, the various drivers often turn part way around to catch some of the conversations. This often leads to some good back and forth swerving on the road, at which point someone will invariably look up and offer, "If you're too tired to drive, I can take over!"

Dustin has a stinking hammock in his room! I got to spend a good chunk of Monday at Dustin's house before his going away party. And to put it simply, his house rocks my face off. For starters, he's accomplished a childhood dream of mine that my father assured me was impossible - he has a hammock hanging over his bed in his room. I laid in it. We also watched a classic Halloween episode of Macgyver where Mac had to team up with his arch enemy Murdoch on Dustin's fam's 60 inch tv. That was after we played pool on his pool table next to the wet bar / basement kitchen, but before we ate homemade banana bread from his mom . . .

Riding buddies. Mark and I made the last two and a half hours of the trip alone since we picked up his car along the way in Albert Lea. It was late, we were cranky and tired, and we'd been in the van for almost ten hours already. So after about an hour in the car together, Mark decided to count the little white posts that mark every tenth of a mile! And I decided to retaliate by making a really neat little annoying noise with my lips. We quickly made the decision it was time to switch up driving partners for a bit, and since we were way ahead of the van, we pulled over. I got out of the car, grabbed my phone, called the van, and said, "Pull over! We're switching now!" We then found out that the van had caught up to us, passed the exit and were a mile down the road when we called them. Mark and I looked at each other, and decided we were stuck, so we got back in and made it the rest of the way home without killing each other. And you know what? I'm pretty sure it made our friendship stronger. What would have happened if we'd split at the exit? Would we have talked again? Would we have broken up for good? Who would have taken custody of the kids?

Poker game. Me, Dustin, Mark, Jason Baartman, Danny Fergen, Luke Vander Leest, David Fergen, and Troy Kooima all around one table to play cards, laugh and give Dustin a sending off. Then a SERVE conversation with Dustin, Mark and Troy that started at 1 AM and lasted till 3. My sides literally hurt from laughing so hard at the end.

And then there are the things that if I went into them now, not only would this post end up twenty pages long, but I may get in trouble with the law:

Grandma Dawn
Tooth nerves
Underwear running
Mouse hunts
"Two weeks at camp till the bleeding stopped"

And oh yeah, I spoke on Sunday morning too. All in all, I'm charged and ready for a great year with these guys. I speak with David, Danny, Mark and Baartman in February, Troy and Dawn in March, Danny and Mark in April, and the whole crew in June and July. I'm excited. Every trip up there I'm reminded in a big way why I got I'm in ministry. God is huge, friends are fantastic, and big things happen with them.

Till next time,
Jason

Happy New Year

I usually get VERY nervous before I speak. Usually it's only bad for a few hours before I go on, but if the speaking engagement is big or important, I can get pretty nervous for up to several days before hand. Fortunately, I seem to have found a cure.

I was asked to give the Christmas morning message here at the 2nd Reformed Church, and I initially got very nervous. I would be up in front of the whole congregation (the home crowd is always more nerve wracking) and I knew that I'd have family there. So the nerves started up about a week and a half before I even had to speak.

I had the severe stomach butterflies, lack of sleep, and an inability to think about anything other than the message so early, that I feared this Christmas holiday would be marred by my agreement to speak.

Then I got the flu.

Not just any flu - but the real bad, horribly nauseous, I fainted on the way to the bathroom, couldn't eat, bad headache, really tired, in the bathroom every fifteen minutes for five days kind of flu. And thankfully, during the whole time that I was either sitting on (or hunched over) the toilet, I wasn't nervous in the least. I lost five pounds, got some loopy pills from the Doctor, and took many naps on the cool bathroom linoleum, but I wasn't nervous one bit.

I also didn't put much time in on the sermon either. In fact, most of it was written between the hours of 5 and 9 AM while I laid on the bathroom floor on Friday the 23rd. Saturday the 24th, I started to feel a little better, and I was probably 75% on Sunday morning when I actually had to give the message. And it went really well. Brother-in-law Kyle played a shepherd for me, and I got a lot of really great comments from the congregation. So I don't have to worry about hanging my head as I walk the hallowed halls of 2nd Reformed.

Then on Christmas day, Andrea came down with the same thing and it lasted three days for her.

Yet, despite the illness, Andrea and I had a great Christmas / New Year. We saw all the family. Got great loot. And my brother Jon and his wife Amy gave us our first nephew on December 29th. They were very gracious when we showed up to wait in the hospital all day for the baby to be born, and they even let us come into the room to see him get his first bottle and blood test. His name is Noah Warren Taylor, he's extremely cute, and we're excited to have a new family member!

We also hosted three different New Year's Eve celebrations this year. We started early on the 30th with good friends Mike and Susie Rottink - playing cards till three AM. Then on the 31st we added California friends Nathan and Dina Kinkaid with their beautiful babe Haley and my brother Chris unit 3 AM. And then on the first, Pella friends Jennie and her fiance Tracy joined us for 90's Trivial Pursuit and Apples to Apples until 4 AM. We actually went through every single card in the Apples game - which is no small feat if you know how the game is played.

All in all, it was one of the best holidays in memories regardless of the flu, and as you can guess, Andrea and I are having a little trouble getting back on a "normal" sleeping schedule after three late nights.

I'm very excited for an upcoming trip to Michigan at the end of next week with the Sioux Falls crew. We're attending a SERVE team retreat for all the sights around the country and I have to give a commissioning message. I'll hopefully have an update on that event soon.

Till next time,
Jason

Things Not to Do on a Sunday Night . . .

1. Shave your head.

And that's pretty much the whole list. I let Andrea shear my golden locks last night, and I have a feeling that my head doesn't look all that good right now. Or maybe I'm just misinterpreting everyone's initial reaction of, "It'll grow back!" the wrong way.

So I performed some poetry at the Jaarsma Bakery Christmas party on Saturday night. I had a great time, ate some great food, and I got to do what I love the most - read some crazy poems. I didn't think the new Christmas poems I posted earlier last week went over all that well, but the poems about dying pigs, escaping cows, and puking children went over very well as usual.

I, and my newly shaved head, will be presenting the Christmas morning message here at the 2nd Reformed Church this coming Sunday morning. I'm kind of looking forward to it, and kind of not. I always think that speaking in front of family jinxes me into a bad message, but on the other hand, speaking in front of brother-in-law Kyle usually goes really well. So we'll see which of the two superstitions holds true on Sunday morning. 2nd is typically a traditional worship style church, and for my message, I'm going to be speaking in a more non-traditional way as I do when I travel to camps and conventions, so I'm a little nervous about that. But it's Christmas! So no matter how it goes, it'll still more than likely be a great day.

And hey, I just had a thought! I got a Donald Trump wig on the internet a few months back for our Apprentice Over-nighter for our middle school youth. Perhaps I can wear that till the hair comes back . . .

till next time,

Jason

Christmas Poemetry

Hello all,

Unfortunately, my improv show for Omaha this weekend didn't work out, so I have no update on that. But since I'm doing a poetry reading for the Jaarsma Bakery Christmas party this weekend, I thought I'd give you a little sampling of some of the new material I'll be trying out. And go easy on me, they may not be completely edited yet. Enjoy!

Sledding
In the winter when it would snow,
We knew the best spot we could go,
To have a blast and get our fill
of winter sledding was our hill.

It had to be a mile long,
As we’d climb up we’d sing a song,
Promoting lots of Christmas cheer,
And hiding any trace of fear.

Behind we’d drag the toboggan,
Proclaiming we’d have lots of fun,
And boasting who would go down first,
And which of us would wreck the worst.

You see our hill was quite well known,
Of making other children groan,
When they took one look at our slope,
Their little hearts just couldn’t cope.

It angled forty-five degrees,
Complet’ly covered with large trees,
Which if by chance you made it through,
An icy pond awaited you.

And then of course we’d pack and stamp,
Large mounds of snow to use as ramps,
So we could brag that we would fly,
That ol’ toboggan ten feet high.

But when we’d get up to the top,
We’d always take a breath and stop,
As we felt our stomach’s sinking,
Wond’ring what we had been thinking.

Then my brother’d say, “Go, ahead!”
And I’d say, “No, you go instead!”
And then our little brother’d cry,
“Oh please Lord! I don’t wanna die!”

So once we thought that we’d all go,
And we’d all sit right in a row,
And if bad fate was to befall,
It’d happen to us one and all.

And so we sat from old to young,
And onto both the sides we hung,
Now I was fearless for this stunt,
Since I had padding back and front.

Then down that hill we really flew,
Not knowing for sure what to do,
As that first ramp was coming near,
And we did not know how to steer.

And so we all just held on tight,
As the toboggan took to flight,
Then we watched squirrels run and hide,
As past there branches we did glide.

And when we finally came down,
We bounced a few times on the ground,
My younger brother lost his grip,
And he fell off ending his trip.

We pinballed off a tree or two,
And so that’s when I really knew,
I should have known without the pain,
Our sledding trips were all insane.

But soon we left the trees behind,
And we were sure that we would find,
That the pond ice was really thick,
And we’d slide over really quick.

But when we hit, we heard a crack,
And thinking now, as I look back,
We should have know the ice was thin,
We sure knew it when we fell in.

As we climbed out all sopping wet,
I don’t think that I will forget,
My younger brother’s little face,
As he giggled at our disgrace.

And as we stood there he did tease,
“I bet your shorts are gonna freeze!”
Our mouths too frozen to respond,
So we just tossed him in the pond.

Last Minute Shopper
Cousin Doug looked so forlorned,
As he came that Christmas day,
All his presents unadorned,
In the normal Christmas way.

Pretty paper was not used,
Nor were bows or Christmas tags,
We were all a bit confused,
As he gave out plastic bags.

“Merry Christmas!” he cried out,
“May these holidays bring cheer!”
But I think we all had doubt,
That he really seemed sincere.

Opening my gift from Doug,
As I wondered what it held,
I pulled out a coffee mug,
And some peanuts that’d been shelled.

Dad was next to open his,
He got some motor oil,
And a new can of cheese wiz,
Both wrapped up in tin foil.

He said, “Thanks, that’s really neat,”
And my mom was next to go,
She got air soles for her feet,
And two tickets from lotto.

As my brother opened next,
He pulled out some loaves of bread,
And he seemed a bit perplexed,
Cause, “Ah, hah!” was all he said.

We thought Grandma’s was the best,
Or at least the most bizarre,
Doug gave her a leather vest,
With the logo of NASCAR.

“I have something I should say,”
Doug spoke with hesitation,
“I bought all your gifts today,
“They came from the gas station.”

“What? I’m shocked, how can that be?”
Grandma said as if aghast,
“My new vest fits perfectly!”
And the awkward moment passed.

Our Fort
When winter came we’d build a fort,
Then standing on it we’d exhort,
About how tight we’d packed our snow,
And how well we’d repel our foes.

And then the kids across the way,
Would chant back how they’d ruin our day,
They said their fort was ten feet high,
They said their’s reached up to the sky.

We said their fort was pitiful,
We said we’d crush it like a bull,
With our snowballs ready to go,
We would yell out to let them know,

“We packed them with some rocks and dirt,
And when they hit they’ll really hurt.”
So they yelled back that they weren’t scared,
And they yelled back they hardly cared.

They said their snowballs were packed tight,
They said they froze theirs overnight.
“For our attack,” they said, “Prepare!
You challenge us?” they said, ‘How dare!’”

And so right quick we’d answer back,
“How dare you threaten with attack!”
We’d say, “Your scared to face our wrath!”
We’d yell, “It will be a bloodbath!”

They’d say, “Our snowballs pack a sting!
They’re packed tighter than anything!”
We’ve packed each with a rabid mouse,
That we’ll bombard onto your house

And though it was a great big lie,
It almost made my brother cry,
And so then we’d begin our fight,
To prove our worth and prove our might.

Then the snowballs would start to fly,
And with war calls we’d start to cry,
My brother took one in the face,
My other brother took his place.

Then I nailed two with my barrage,
And they go hide in their garage.
And then we had them two on one,
And it was really getting fun!

Our last foe crouched down in shear fear,
And he flashed us a little sneer.
And just when we’re about to win,
My mom calls out, “Time to come in!”

And that’s when I made my mistake,
And a lucky shot my foe did take.
“Oh come on mom, more time,” I said,
As I looked back and raised my head,

And then I heard a whis’ling near,
And felt an ice ball strike my ear.
And as I laid there in the snow,
My brother took a mighty blow,

So that was that, we had been beat,
And they had used my mom to cheat.
And so we trudged our way back in,
So someday we could fight again.

till next time,
Jason

Buddy Hackett and the Snowstorm

Well, I don't know about you, but I think the title to this post would have been a great title to a Christmas movie. I can imagine Buddy dressing up as Santa Claus to swoop in and save the day for some poor kids who live in an orphanage and have no toys.

I went up to Orange City, IA last Wednesday to spend the night and speak for the middle school group My Choice on Thursday morning. As most of you who live in Iowa know, we had one heck of a snowstorm on Wednesday night, especially up in Northwest Iowa. Due to the impending storm, I left early on Wednesday morning in hopes of beating the snow. I got to Orange City around 3 o'clock, just when the snow really started to come down. It then proceeded to keep coming down for around the next six or seven hours - snowing about an inch an hour.

So, not knowing whether or not my speaking engagement the next morning was canceled, (It was at the middle school at 7 AM) I headed over to Sioux Center, IA to pick up good friend, Dordt College student, and blog regular, Dustin, so that we could go out to eat and hang out. We went to the Pizza Ranch, played some pool (Dustin destroyed me), and then ate some dark chocolate over coffee while playing chess (I destroyed Dustin) in the Dordt College coffee house.

We had a great time. I always have a great time with Dustin, but just the fact that we had about four hours of time to just hang out with no other worries was fantastic. We just goofed off and watched the snow fall. Dustin told me about how anxious he is to get out of Dordt and head to the Netherlands to study overseas, and the whole time I kept thinking I wished I was back in college and hanging out with Dustin on a regular basis.

After "Dustin Time" was over, I made the slow crawl of a drive back to my hotel in Orange City. Usually, the drive between Orange City and Sioux Center is about 15 minutes. But due to the severity of the snowstorm, it took me about 45 minutes. But I made it safely, found a note that said my speaking engagement had been postponed by three hours in the morning, watched some cable TV, and hit the hay.

I slept in a little, packed up, and got a call from My Choice director Scott Starkweather telling me that I was now going to be speaking in school at 10:15 AM. It wasn't going to be for the My Choice group, but another group of middle schoolers, so it would be just about the same.

I talked about Abram and Lot from Genesis 13 and 14, and related it to the importance of family. The students were fantastic, and I even used one to play Lot to my Abram. Scott asked me to stick around and give the talk one more time for another group of students, so I did, and I had another great time. And then Scott asked me to stick around one more time, so I did, and, that's right, I had yet another great time.

I love speaking to Scott's group at the Middle School. It's a great group, and an amazing thing that he's got going on at the school. The students listen so well, and laugh at all the right places.

After I was done at the school, coincidentally enough, my good friend Rob Roozeboom of RISE Ministries happened to be having his RISE benefit dinner and auction that night. It had originally be scheduled for November 15th, but it'd been canceled due to poor weather, and had been rescheduled for the Thursday I was there. I was supposed to emcee the original event, but had another engagement, so when Rob heard I was in town last week, he asked me to stay the day and introduce him at the benefit that night and I agreed.

It was a great event. I spent the afternoon helping Rob and his crew set up the dinner hall. They had all kinds of great autographed sports memorabilia and fun gifts to bid on. While perusing the merchandise, I found something that I knew I just couldn't leave without - an autographed caricature of Buddy Hackett along with a FILA sweatshirt he used to wear around the house and a letter of authenticity for both from his wife.

For those of you who don't know, Buddy was the star of such hits as It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, World, The Music Man, and one or more (I don't remember) of the Herbie movies. As soon as I saw the items, I raced to put my bid in. Oddly enough, no one else bid. I did see a few couples pick the items up and look at them fondly, though. I was very tempted to run over and tell them that it was the sweatshirt that Buddy had actually died in to scare them off, but it ended up that my fears weren't warranted because they didn't even bid. So at the end of the night, I got the picture and sweatshirt! What will I do with them now? I have no idea. But they're mine!

After the benefit was over (around 10:00 PM) I hopped back in the car and started the 5 1/2 hour long drive home. Driving long distances over the late night hours has become something I've gotten used to since I started speaking. Some time, I may have to blog on just exactly what that can be like at times. You tend to meet the most interesting gas station attendants at three in the morning, and I've seen my share of strange drivers and unidentifiable flying objects in the night sky on those lonely Iowa roads. But alas, that's for another time. This blog has gotten very long as it is!

I think I'm doing some improv this weekend in Omaha, and then doing a poetry reading next weekend for a bakery Christmas party. So expect more updates soon!

Till next time,

Jason

In the Grip Addiction

I've been addicted to very few things in my life. The biggest one is food. For most of my life, it's been about all I can think about. No matter where I am, or what I'm doing, more than likely I'm thinking about what the next meal's going to be. In fact, the only time I'm really not thinking about food is when I've just stuffed my face with it, and I have that sick feeling of fullness for about 30 minutes. Once it passes, though, I'm right back to food. The good news is, I've really gotten that personal demon under control in the last year through exercise and diet. I've conditioned myself to crave healthier, more filling foods, and I've started running regularly which helps fight the cravings as well.

So with that addiction mostly removed, I'm left with the big one - Soda. More specifically, any cola of your diet cherry variety. Let me be totally honest about this - if Diet Cherry Coke or Pepsi were around me 24 hours a day, I would drink it. I crave it. I want it. I drink it all the time.

I've always struggled with a soda addiction. In college, when I roomed with my older brother and my good friend Nathan, the three of us (along with another ISU friend Chris Gummert) drank 735 cans of Mountain Dew in only the first semester. Do you know how much Mountain Dew that is apiece? If you really want to do the math, go ahead, but I'm glad I've forgotten how many that was per day, per person.

After college though, I've made the switch to diet after talking to a guy who lost a ton of weight by making simple dietary changes. One of which was switching from regular to diet soda. He said (and I have no idea if this is really true) that two regular pops a day for one year can contribute to gaining 15 additional pounds. So, me being a much meatier 40 pounds heavier after college than I was going in, I switched.

And I've settled in quite nicely with Diet Cherry Coke. Oh, if I'm at a gas station, and I'm thirsty, I'll grab a Diet Cherry Pepsi in a bottle because it tastes better than the Coke in a can. But if you're strictly talking cans, then Coke wins the taste test. And I range from 2 to 5 Diet Cherry Cokes a day, depending on my schedule.

I've attempted to quit several times. Most notably the night I found myself in a dentist's chair in Lennox, South Dakota at 10:30PM for an emergency root canal after finishing a late night retreat talk through severe pain. Luckily one of the high school girls attending had a father who could help me so late at night. As I laid in the chair and the dentist drilled me open I looked at a poster on the wall that showed the ill effects of soda consumption. I quit for a week.

It was the longest I've gone, and I only started again because I went to a friend's house and that's all they had to drink. That, and a funny colored tap water I didn't want to touch with a ten foot pole (let alone drink it). Other than that, I've quit here and there for a few days at a time.

But there really are no substitutes for the taste and feeling of that cool, refreshing coke. I've tried tea, water, juice and even coffee. Nothing tastes that good!

But today again, I face off with this nagging addiction. I finished my last Coke of the 12 pack in the fridge last night. My wife got groceries yesterday afternoon, so I can't use that as an excuse to grab another. To drink again today, I'll have to make a specific trip to the store to buy some more. I'd like to think I don't have to do that. I know my poor teeth would be thankful if I just laid off. We'll see how far I make it.

I speak again on Thursday morning for a group called My Choice in Orange City, IA. I get to see good friend Dustin again, so I'm pretty pumped about going up. I'm sure I'll update at the end of the week.

Till then,

Jason

Butterflies and Basements

This is my second attempt at a blog entry today, as I lost the first one after trying to use the blog spell check and being told I had to turn off my pop up protector. So I turned it off, and it immediately rebooted my page and deleted everything. So much for spell checking this blog ever again.

Once again, I've failed in my promise to post more regularly. I guess I just don't ever think I have anything that interesting to say. I'm not one of those bloggers that thinks, "Hey! I just got a clever idea about a drain cleaner commercial I saw today! I should share it with the world." So bear with me as I try to dream up ways to post more frequently.

I spoke this morning at the Pella Christian High School Chapel. Fellow youth director, and great speaker in his own right, Todd Zylstra was there as well. During the opening music, right before I went up to speak, Todd leaned over and asked, "Do you get nervous before you speak too?" I answered that I did - often feeling nauseous. To which Todd responded, "Right before I speak I always wonder 'Why do I even do this?'" And I had to admit I often feel the same way.

Before nearly every speaking or comedy show I have, I always get the same attack of the butterflies and think to myself, "There's got to be something less stressful I could choose to do with my life!" I think it's a pretty typical reaction for most speakers to have, and the key is to learn how to go on without letting it affect you. But I don't know if it ever really gets better. I've talked to guys who've been speaking professionally for years and make their living at it, and they all tend to think the same way. One even told me that right before he goes on stage, he always hopes the show gets cancelled for some reason so he doesn't have to go on. And this guy makes his living at it!

The talk went all right this morning. Everyone seemed to be paying attention and responded well. But those Pella Christian kids are so well behaved you never really know. I had to speak on prayer, and used 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18.

My next show is in December, and I'm pretty psyched because it's a poetry gig. I wish they all were, but I'll take them where I can get them.

My next year is shaping up really well as far as speaking goes. I'm booked great for the first six months. Several of the engagements are week long, and I get to spend a lot of time with the Sioux Falls crew.

So we had some tornado action here in Iowa over the weekend. I guess one touched down and destroyed a Casey's General Store only a scant few blocks from my sister and brother-in-law Amber and Kyle's place. My brother Chris and I were driving right through the storm as we headed up to Iowa Falls to see my friend Mike in a production of Death of a Salesman.

The weather wasn't honestly all that bad on the way up - a lot of lightning, a little wind, and a little rain. We stopped in to eat at an Italian restaurant called Clark & Addison when we got into town. After ordering our drinks and food, we were ushered down to the basement because the tornado siren started going off.

Normally, a basement would feel like the safest place to be during a tornado, but we weren't so comforted. As the waitress opened the door to go downstairs, we suddenly heard the loud rush of water. There was a large pipe along one wall that was apparently bringing water off the roof and taking it to the sewer, and it had sprung a major leak. Water was shooting out of the hole at about the power of a garden hose turned on full blast with someone's finger partially covering the nozzle.

So we walked through inch deep water to stand in a ten by ten foot space that looked a little less stable than a lean-to made of sticks and mud. After forty minutes, and all the free drinks and Gardetto's we could stomach, we headed back upstairs to eat our meal. The food turned out to be cheap and fantastic. I had a meatball sandwich, and it's the best I've had in a while. So as far as Clark and Addison's is concerned, I'd give the food and service a 9.5, and the basement bunker a -2.

On the way out of the place, I kid you not, every single waitress, hostess, and cook (six or so people in all) told us to have a good night. So I tried extra hard to make sure I did.

Death of a Salesman was a fine play put on by the community of Iowa Falls at Ellsworth Community College. Mike had prepared me to think that it was going to be a travesty of a production, and we'd regret coming, but we thought it went just great. Mike did a great job as Biff Loman, and we had fun. Although the 6 free Diet Coke's I'd gotten at the restaurant made the two hour plus play a little too long for my taste.

Till next time, and I'll try to make sure it's soon,

Jason

Dakota . . . South Dakota

Headed up to Sioux Falls this past weekend for a "business meeting" with good pals Mark Elgersma and Danny Fergen, and I've come to realize that I have some of the best friends in the entire world.

We were meeting to discuss the possibility of putting Danny (a wonderful worship leader and musician) and me (someone who can speak words out loud and occasionally gets paid for it) together as a package deal and see if we could get some more SERVE projects to work at this next summer.

The meeting went just swell. We put together a promo letter, got some great quotes from lots of other great friends, and the letters are probably being mailed out as I type this. If all goes as planned, we may pick up a few extra gigs where Mark, Danny, and I get some quality road trip time.

While in Sioux Falls, we also met up with Troy Kooima and Word of Mouth blog regular Dustin to play a little texas hold'em at Troy's house. I didn't have the best of games. We played four times and I lost all four. Dustin, Mark, and Troy all got a win, and I got several second places. But we still had a great time, ate a great meal of Italian spicy brats, played with Troy's wonderful family, and had a lot of great conversation.

I also got to see good friend Dawn Ryswyk's new grandson Logan. A real cute little guy who I got to meet over lunch at Applebee's. Now we can crack "Grandma" jokes about Dawn and she can't get too upset.

And Mark and I got to run by Luke Vander Leest's new house as he was putting the roof on. Due to my extreme love of heights, I decided not to help out because I didn't want to steal all the fun away from Luke.

What else is new? Today's one of those days. I'm probably just tired from an overnighter that Andrea and I had for our high schoolers this weekend, but today feels like one of those days (as I've explained to brother-in-law Kyle before) where I feel weighted down by all the dumb mistakes of my life. Does that ever happen to anyone else? Not that I've made any lately, or even for several years - as far as big dumb mistakes though. But sometimes I just get depressed that there are some things in my life that I did and won't get a second chance to fix.

Reminds me of that new show, My Name is Earl, about the guy who writes down all the mistakes he's ever made, and then tries to fix them in hope of changing his bad karma. I should make a list. Hmmm. Not that I believe in karma or anything, there are plenty of bad people who have great stuff happen to them anyway, but maybe for peace of mind . . .

Man, would that be a scary list to start or what?

Till next time,

Jason

Sweating Through

For some reason, I sweat heavily at times. I say at times, because I could be giving a talk in front of a packed crowd with the room temperature being 85, and I won't sweat a drop. Other times, like last night, the room temp was around 72, and I was dripping by the end of twenty minutes.

It used to happen a lot in college during comedy shows. It was never that salty, smelly sweat like I was working out or out of shape, it's always been a flop sweat kind of thing. Yet, unlike flop sweat, it doesn't just happen when I'm nervous, but the flop sweat can also happen when I feel completely comfortable and prepared. It tends to drive me nuts.

I've always had the problem though, ever since I was a little kid. I remember that after elementary gym classes, I would just be literally soaked with sweat. Other kids would accuse me of holding my head under the faucet, and I'd have to tell them, no, I just sweat that much.

Anyway, if I haven't disgusted you too much yet, last night's talk went okay. It was a talk I was giving for the first time, and I probably didn't put nearly as much oomph into it as I could have since I was just standing in front of a youth room and delivering it after a Mountain Dew chugging contest, but I guess it went all right.

The leader of the group, Todd Zylstra, gave me a ton of encouraging words after it was over, like he's always so good at. But I know Todd's a really great guy, so I'm never sure if he'd actually tell me, "Boy that was a rough one, huh?"

The group was very respectful though. They laughed at the right times, and listened at the right times. They're one of my favorite groups to be up in front of. I'm starting to think that I can be kind of boring though. Sometimes I may find certain Bible stories more compelling than the people I'm talking to, it's kind of hard to tell. But like always, this group treated me very well, and it was great to see all of them again.

I take off for Sioux Falls, South Dakota today to meet up with ministry friends Mark Elgersma and Danny Fergen. We're going to be hashing out some type of plan to offer ourselves up in a speaker / musician package deal for youth events. I'm really excited about the opportunity, and the fact that if it works, I'll be guaranteed the chance to work with people I really like and respect.

Anyhoo - My next speaking engagement is not for two weeks. (Winter's always a little slow for me.) But I think I've got three between November and December. I'll make an effort to update more regularly between jobs this time, I promise.

Till next time,

Jason

Logo

My good friend and genius graphic designer Mark Leiknes designed me a quick logo as a favor. I'm still putting together some promotional material, and I asked Mark for something quick, slick and effective in telling the audience who I am. Here's what he sent me, and I really like it.

Afraid of Commitment

So here I am, attempting to make good on my promise to write entries more often when there's a lull between speaking engagements. I've had two people call me on my promise to write more regularly, and so here's my attempt.

What do I have to say today? Nothing. Not much anyway. I speak tomorrow night for a large youth group here in Pella. I spoke for them at a camp last summer, and I've spoken to them in their youth room. So they've heard me before, and they're a pretty good group of high schoolers and adults.

The question is - what do I have to tell them? I'm straddling the line right now between two separate subjects - peer pressure or committing sins even when we know we're doing something wrong while we're doing them.

I, for the first time in my life, actually read the entire story of Balaam in the Bible book of Numbers. Long story short, Balaam's an occultist / magician / soothsayer kind of guy who's asked by the king to curse God's people. If Balaam does so, the king will reward him handsomely. God meets Balaam on the road as an angel, get's his donkey to talk to him, and convinces Balaam to not say anything that's not God approved.

Well, three different times, the king points out the Israelites to Balaam and says, "There they are! Let's have a good curse now!" And three times, Balaam instead blesses them because that's what God wants instead. The king refuses to pay Balaam, and they go their separate ways.

Now, right there I figure I have a pretty good story for a talk. Here's a guy that's told he'll be rewarded beyond his wildest dreams, and all he has to do is say a few cross words even though he knows he's not supposed to. This guy, even though he's already a pretty messed up, sinful guy, refuses to accept the influence of important people around him, and does the right thing. Great peer pressure illustration.

On the other hand, just a few chapters later, we're told his body is found dead with several enemy leaders after a battle with the Israelites. Not only that, but it's then explained that after the whole cursing / blessing incident, Balaam was responsible for leading God's people down the road of temptation through lust and adultery. So now the illustration kind of changes to a guy who was living his life the wrong way, got to actually get a glimpse and have a conversation with the one true God, and yet he still decided to go down the wrong path later on even though he must have know what he was doing was wrong.

Either angle on the story, I'm happy with. I'm just having trouble finding a clincher for the talk. A good and simple illustration that I can use to really bring the point home.

I know a lot of speakers who tend to use the internet for good illustrations, but I've always found that a dangerous path. Not because the illustrations are bad, but because sometimes they're so good that everybody's heard them. And the one thing that I'm really happy with about the responses that I get from speaking is that people often mention I'm original and I use new ideas.

So there's my quandry for the day. Feel free to chime in on the comments if you have any suggestions. I'll let you know how it went on Thursday morning.

till next time,

Jason

Chili Fries

Made another trip up to Sioux Falls on Sunday Night to speak at Troy Kooima's church for an "Online" service. Many students from a couple different youth groups, and lots of adults participated and we had a great time.

Dustin came again to help me out by letting me carry him down the aisle while ruining my back and begging for money. I lamented over the fact that I have yet to have Dr. Phil show up at my door and offer me an extreme makeover of any kind, and I challenged everyone to show the spiritual makeover they recieve through Christ in their daily lives. Yep, just your typical speaking gig.

Troy took Dustin, Danny Fergen, and I out to the Cherry Creek Grill for some appetizers and we had a great time talking about the night and how the service seemed to go. Both Troy and Danny had been at church since very early that morning, so by the time the youth service came around, they were both spent. Yet they both said they were excited at how well it went, and surprised by how well the youth and adults participated. These were great things to hear on my end - leading me to believe I'd hopefully done something right.

After appetizers, I headed off to the Kooima Ranch and bunked down for the night which is always an adventure. Troy has a great wife (Jana) and three great kids (Alek, Reis, and Sage) who always inspire me to be a better family man myself.

On the ride up and back I listened to Coldplay's new CD "X & Y". I liked it very much. On the way home I stopped to pick up something new to listen to and considered Kanye West's "Late Registration", but instead chose Christian Hip Hopper John Reuben's new one, "The Boy vs. the Cynic", and I was pretty happy with it.

I was particularly struck by the line in track 10 which says, "All I have is what God gives, and that's all the life that I was meant to live." I found it a very comforting thought as I made the five hour drive home and wondered if this whole speaking thing will ever jump to the next level. I think I finally made my peace with the fact that if all I get to do is speak to small groups and share chili fries with the likes of the Sioux Fall's crew afterwards, I'll still be a very happy man.

Till next time,

Jason

Driving Through the Lightning Storm

Hit Inwood, IA last night to work with the Sioux Falls crew again for a big youth rally thingy that they were putting on.

I picked up good SERVE buddy, and frequent blog comment poster, Dustin on the way. He attends college in Sioux Center, IA at Dordt, and was more than happy to ride along and help out with the talk I had to give. I had him dress up in his nerdy, hiked-up-all-the-way plaid shorts, sandals with black dress socks, and pink polo shirt to impersonate an older guy dancing. Don't ask why, it was just a very funny visual, and it got a lot of laughs. Then I talked about Jonathon, son of Shammah, brother of David from II Samuel, and talked about killing giants. The evening went pretty well. The band was made up of Troy, Dawn, and a bunch of high school folk, and actually rocked pretty hard considering they threw their set together that night.

On the way home though, I had to drive through the freakiest thunder storm I've ever seen. For about the last three hours of the journey, it was pouring rain, and lightning was striking all around in non-stop bursts. For anyone in western Iowa who saw it, it was completely crazy. There didn't seem to be a single moment were I couldn't see lightning striking somewhere. It was so bad, that each strike sent static interference through my radio and made it almost impossible to listen to.

Tons of people were pulling over to rest areas on the side of the road. I thought about doing the same thing. There were so many lightning strikes that seemed so close that I was actually a little scared of getting hit. But then I figured that if I kept moving, there was less of a chance of the lightning hitting me than if I just sat in one place, surrounded by a hundred other cars. I don't know how scientifically accurate that may be, but I didn't get struck, so I guess it worked.

It was fantastic to see Troy, Dawn, Luke, and Dustin again. We sat for a bit and laughed about how great Mark's wedding was a few weeks ago. We caught up on ministry stories, laughed till it hurt, and planned on seeing each other again in January when we head up to Michigan for a retreat.

Was this a really boring post? Seems like it. Let's see, what can liven it up? Hmmm. Dustin and I were amused greatly when I stopped at a gas station to get a fountain drink. On the side of the cup there was a cartoon picture of a dinosaur taking a shower. Think about that picture for a second. I really have no idea what it meant, or why it was on there, or who in this world thought, "You know what our fountain drink glasses need? Showering Dinosaurs!" But it was pretty hysterical. At least to Dustin and I.

I'm rambling. I'm tired. I think I'll just sign off now and try to get something more coherent down later in the week.

Till next time,

Jason

December in September

Drove up to Holland, MI for a quick stand-up show on Saturday/Sunday. It was at the Beechwood Church in Holland, and I was the opening act for southern-fried Christian rockers DecmeberRadio.

First off, DecemberRadio was fantastic. I had to take off early for the seven hour drive back to Pella, but I heard them warm up, and I heard the first few songs of the concert, and needless to say I was very intrigued. The only way I can really describe them is say they sound like a Christian version of someone like Lynard Skynard. They've got a sound that's greatly lacking in Christian music, and they're extremely talented. I got to snag one of their CD's on the way out - a collection of praise songs - and I'm giving it a listen as I type this. Very enjoyable. Check them out.

The show was outside on the lawn of the Beechwood Church. And, although I was breaking one of the cardinal rules of stand-up (never perform outside), the show went pretty well. The crowd was smaller than expected. It was a BEAUTIFUL night in Michigan, the Lions were playing, and there was another Christian concert not to far down the road, so not as many folks showed up they might have hoped, but it was still pretty good. And those that did show up still got a great rock concert, so it was definately worth it.

The stand-up went as well as could be expected for an outdoor event. The breeze was a little strong, the crowd was pretty far back from the stage, and they were pretty spread out. All of which is pretty on par for stand-up at an outdoor event. All that being said, there were some laughs to be had, and the staff of Beechwood smiled big, shook my hand, and had very kind words for my departure (which is always a good thing for a comedian).

All of which brings up an interesting topic I've been meaning to write on: The Top Five Unspoken Rules of Performing Stand-Up. "The rules", as I'll call them, were not developed by me, but by comedians that came before me long ago and far away, and have been passed down through the generations of willing saps who think they can tell a joke on stage. The concept is very simple. If you want to have a good stand-up show, try to stick to the following five things. (Listed in no particular order.)

1. Don't perform outside. Supposedly, small, dark, cool places are more conducive to comedy, and, for the most part, I'd have to agree. The closer the quarters, the more laughter seems to be contagious. Plus, being indoors, there are far less distractions for the audience. They're forced to focus forward onto the performer. While outdoor venues, on the other hand, are supposedly more ideal for music. You can spread out, get comfortable, and have a lot more choice about how loud you want the volume to be since you can choose how close you sit to the stage.

Is it true? Actually, for the most part, I find that it tends to be. I've only performed stand-up outdoors a few times, and the best I could ever say it went was "pretty good". There's just someting about being outdoors that seems odd for comedy. I got to see a couple of my favorite Christian comedians, Jay Laffoon and Taylor Mason, perform at the RISE Above music festival in Orange City, IA earlier this summer. They both were hilarious, of course, but even they weren't quite as effective outdoors.

2. No proms. I've blogged about this one before. The only entertainment that seems to work at proms is something that's interactive - hypnotists, magicians, karoake type stuff. The general rule of thumb is that the students are too tired, and more than likely have something other than comedy on their minds. It can often be a heckling nightmare.

For the most part, I turn all proms down now. Out of the handfull I've done, I've only ever had one successful one. They're brutal. I had one once where I was supposed to perform for an hour between the dinner and the dance. Well, twenty minutes in, no one was laughing, and I mean no one! I wrapped up and walked off. Turns out, as I was later told, the kids didn't want a comedian. So they decided that if they just refused to laugh, I'd quit earlier. They were right. One of the worst performance nights of my life.

3. Don't perform for crowds less than 50. The smaller the crowd, the less contagious the laughter. I'll give a message, read poetry, or peform improv for a crowd of 10 on any night, but stand-up needs more people. The smaller the crowd, the more self concious they get. Are the other 20 people laughing? I don't want to laugh real hard if they're not laughing! The larger the crowd, the easier it is for them to let go. I've found this rule of thumb to be right most of the time, and I always feel way more confident when the crowd is 100+.

4. Don't peform Before 1 PM. I think the actual rule is like 6 PM, but I don't mind lowering it a bit since I do a lot of camps, retreats, and the like. I think the thought here is that most people's brains aren't firing as quickly before noon, and I'd generally have to agree. There's nothing scarier than having to do a 9 AM show for a droopy-eyed group that looks like they'd rather be in bed. People are just way more serious before noon.

5. Don't peform just because it pays. This can be a hard rule to follow, especially when the rent's due. But some people just don't know when it's appropriate to hire a comedian. I don't turn down a lot of shows, in fact, I take a few every year that I probably shouldn't, but sometimes you just have to say "No, thank you."

I was once asked to do an hour of comedy in what I was told was going to be a retirement home. Well, I got there, and it wasn't a retirement home as much as it was a long term care facility for people who were dying. I'm pretty sure very few of the people were really coherent enough to know what was going on. There was some crying and yelling during a lot of it. Nurses were constantly coming in to help patients. And they wanted me for an hour???? At the twenty minute mark, I thanked them and walked off. While I understand that these folks need entertainment, I don't think that a 20-something youth director telling puke stories is quite appropriate.

I've had to say no to a lot of things - girl scout conventions, elementary school classes, library Christmas parties - but sometimes you have to tell the prospective employers that a comedian may not be in their best interest. It's hard, especially when the they're offering a nice check, but some shows just aren't worth the mental punishment on you or the audience.

Do I follow "the rules"? Eh, sometimes. I break them more often than most people I know. I tend to be an optimist when accepting shows, and take most everything. I've tried to diversify what I do enough that I can satisfy most crowds with enough preperation so that I can tell people, "Well, I don't know about stand-up, but I've got some pretty funny poems and stories I could read." For the most part, I've found them all to be fairly grounded in some pretty good truths, though.

This weekend I travel up Inwood, IA for a big youth rally with the Sioux Falls Crew I love so much. I'm giving a spiritual message, which I'm excited about after a rocky month or two of stand-up shows.

Andrea says she's got some great pics from Mark Elgersma's wedding from last week that I'm gonna try to blog soon.

Till next time,

Jason

The Wedding Singer Part Deux

So Andrea and I headed up to Minneapolis, MN to visit good friends, and new midwesterners, Mark and Lisa Leiknes and their baby Lucy. We had a fantastic time. They just moved back from California. Mark is one of my old friends from when I used to do sketch comedy in Grandma Mojo's Moonshine Revival at Iowa State University. He's probably the funniest guy I've ever met, and he currently works as a freelance graphic artist (which I think is a paltry use of his amazing comedy talents, but alas, he's a pretty awesome graphic designer, so what are you going to do?). Lisa is a school teacher and quite a bit of good fun herself. I don't think I've ever seen her without a smile on her face - except for when she told us about the accidental toxic poisoning of their cat (who they've named "Ourselves" so that they could say, "We named our cat after ourselves!") which resulted in the loss of part of its liver. Who knew the dangerous lives of cats? Good thing they have nine, huh?

We went out for supper, watched Mark berate a Mexican restaurant employee for their lack of air conditioning, ate some good food, bought a pizza, watched Shaolin Soccer, and basically laughed non stop for about a day straight.

The baby is gorgeous and extremely well tempered. I got to give her the nightly feeding on Friday and she promplty fell asleep in my arms. I may have to get me one of those some day.

Overall, it was a great night, and it makes me really glad that the Leiknes' have moved back closer to Iowa from California. Mark also got some great career news that I'm really excited about, but alas, it is top secret, so I will have to wait to post about it. But it's really cool, and as soon as I get the go ahead, I will write away.

Then it was on to Sheboygan, Wisconsin for the main event of our Labor Day Weekend - The wedding of good friend and ministry partner Mark Elgersma to his lovely bride Cassie Smies. For those of you who may not know, I've gotten to become friends with Mark E. during the last three years over the course of all the Sioux Falls SERVE projects I've spoken at. Mark is the sound man, running all the sound for the band and my microphones. He's also just an amazingly great guy, hilarious prankster, and a real man of God. He's helped me so much in my own ministry ways over the last three years.

Well, the wedding was on Labor Day Monday at 11 AM and I was asked to emcee the reception, but the families of the betrothed couple invited everyone up early to enjoy the wonders of Sheboygan.

The town is beautiful. It's right on lake Michigan, has beaches and water like an ocean, tons of great shops and restaurants, and the weather is beautiful this time of year. We walked, ate at a place called The Mucky Duck, had a picnic, played cards, and had an unbelievable amount of fun with all the Sioux Fall-ites that trekked up for the adventure that was Mark's wedding.

Being the emcee for the reception was a lot of fun. I'll admit that for the first time in a long time I was pretty nervous. I'm usually not one to fall prey to those nasty butterflies, but they were biting pretty hard on Monday afternoon. I suppose it was because there were so many people I really liked and respected in the crowd, but, as Andrea will attest, it made me rather testy to be around for awhile till it was over.

I told a few stories about Mark - the first time I met Cassie and wondered how he got someone like her - watching Mark and and Dan Tenapel chase each other in their underpants one night - and the crowd seemed to enjoy them. Troy Kooima shared the legendary story about the "underwear ninjas" which I may have to expound on someday in the blog. And Son's of Thunder band member Danny Fergen basically just stood there looking like a heart throb in his tux and stole everyone's thunder.

Then Dan Tenapel and Troy Kooima joined me for a new rendition of the wedding song from Jill and Rob's wedding, and the crowd seemed to enjoy that as well.

It was a gorgeous wedding, a perfect weekend, and a ton of fun. Plus, I got to go on a long romatic walk with Andrea down a mile long pier and around a lighthouse which was a pretty big plus!

I'm heading off for Michigan, and possibly Chicago, this weekend to lead some worship services and speak at a rally. I'll hopefully have another update in less than a week!

Till next time,
Jason